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Newsletter May/June 2009
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- May/June 2009 Issue #2-

CINDERFELLA

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At our house, or, truthfully, at the house my wife lets me live in, I do all the chores - throw out the garbage, do the dishes, drop off and pick up the dry cleaning, do the grocery shopping, walk the dog, pick up after the dog, talk to the dog when my wife ain't talkin' to me. I am the hired help, except no one's paying me. I work for free and sexual favors. Okay, mostly for free.

I am the man's version of Cinderella. I am...Cinderfella. For example, let's say a few of my buddies invite me to our local sports bar to hang. When I was single, it would have been a no brainer, meaning I would have gone to the bar, drunk until I had no brain, enjoyed the game and made a new friend named Candy. I would have gone home only if and when I wanted to. Things work a little differently now that I am married. If I dare leave the castle, I have to earn the right, prove that my venture out is worthy. I must promise the royal highness to return with treats for our dog and frozen yogurt for her. I need clearance; a permission slip. So I head into the Princesses chambers (aka our/her bedroom) but before I can request a little time off for good behavior, say three hours or so, she warmly smiles and says,

"Oh sweetie, perfect timing. America's Next Top Model is about to start. Wanna order food and invite my mom over? Oooh, and guess what? The new Crate and Barrel catalogue is here. They have new chaise lounge chairs. Wanna see them?

So I say not unless the top models are on them, waitin' to do me!

Note to self: Make sure brain and mouth take a meeting before I speak again.

FYI from the FMG -

Flowers for her: $200.00

Ladies Special Spa Package: $500.00

Watching ESPN alone on the couch: Priceless.

 


Remember that my mission here at the Frustrated Married Guy Newsletter is to let other married men know that:

a) we are not alone, and that,
2) as much as I love to shoot the shit about the latest scores, there needs to be
a place where we can talk... really talk... about the stuff that men never get to
talk about.

This newsletter is that place.


Here Are Some Trick Questions She Might Ask You:


1. The obvious one: Do I look fat in this? But men remember that woman are trickier, sneakier, or even more complicated than that.

Note: If you are a single man and smart enough to log onto this FMG Newsletter in advance so you won't be as shell shocked as I was when you finally take that the plunge down the aisle, good for you! All this crap, I mean, advice can easily apply to non married women as well.

2. Which of my close girlfriends would you like to see naked?

3. If you got free tickets to the Laker game on my birthday, and I already had tickets to see Wicked, what would you do?

4. When you are alone and I am out of town, who are thinking about? no, really....

MEN: BE WARNED. THERE ARE NO GOOD ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS.


Do you have FMG stories of your own? Send them to us. We won't tell your wife. We swear.


FMG NEWS

UPCOMING SHOWS: MAY 30, JUNE 6, 12, 19, 26

LOCATION: ICE HOUSE IN PASADENA,CALIFORNIA. COMEDY STARZ

Danny will also be shooting his new web series titled Frustrated Married Guy with Working Bug Media on June 18, 2009. Check them out at www.workingbug.com

AND FINALLY DANNY WOULD ALSO LIKE EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT HE AND HIS WIFE LAURA ARE EXPECTING A BABY GIRL IN OCTOBER!!!!!!

 

www.frustratedmarriedguy.com

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Newsletter April 2009
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- April 2009 Premiere Issue-

I LOVE MY WIFE BUT....

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Hi. My name is Danny Hizami and I am the Frustrated Married Guy. There. I said it. I am frustrated, married, and proud of it. I have started this newsletter to let everyone know that since I've been married I haven't found a forum like Oprah, Ellen, or even Tyra to express my thoughts, thoughts that I imagine I share with lots of other men but have no way of knowing. The mere fact that I am on a first name basis with Oprah, Ellen, and Tyra should give you a clue as to how whipped I truly am. She (my wife) would have me watching a Lifetime movie starring Tori Spelling and Andrew Shue and massaging her feet right now if I hadn't barricaded myself in here with my laptop and a burger.

I (and I am guessing you) need a venting place, a forum to talk about what the f#*? is going on with my manhood. Not that long ago, I walked down the aisle and found myself on What the Hell Happened to Me Lane. My wife and I took a drive (even though I was behind the wheel, she clearly was in the drivers seat). Otherwise, why would we have rolled right past Hooters and pulled into the parking lot of the Ball and Chain Mall? Faster than a stripper collecting her ones at the end of the song, I went from being single, horny, and dating to yes, honey, I'd love to buy more designer soap that we are not allowed to use and then go home and watch a Sex and the City marathon (insert knife in own throat here).


My mission here at the Frustrated Married Guy Newsletter is to let other married men know that:

a) we are not alone, and that,
2) as much as I love to shoot the shit about the latest scores, there needs to be
a place where we can talk... really talk... about the stuff that men never get to
talk about.

This newsletter is that place.


Are you an FMG? Take the quiz:


1. Do you suddenly have washcloths, hand towels and bath sheets that match? Do you even know what bath sheets are? Do You Care?


2. Are you confused as to why you would use fine china instead of paper plates? And by the way, do you think Chinette counts as fine china?

3. Does your Tivo interrupt you in the middle of a huge game to ask if it’s okay to change the channel to “Design on a Dime”?


Do you have FMG stories of your own? Send them to us. We won't tell your wife. We swear.


Advice from the FMG

Dear Danny,
My wife wants to go to Legoland
with the kids on Super Bowl Sunday.
Should I go with her?

Signed, Steel Curtain Fan

 

Dear Steelers Fan,
Give her the keys to your Hummer,
and then ask her for one after the game.

Signed, FMG

www.frustratedmarriedguy.com

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VEGAS BABY

Hello to my fellow Frustrated Married Guys. Welcome to my new blog.

Currently, I am sitting in my hotel room at The Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas getting ready for what I hope to be another great show. I am working with two great comedians Rob Magnotti and Joey Vega both of whom are extremely talented and very cool people. One thing you have to remember about traveling to Vegas when you are married is that you have to abide by the rules and regulations the wife gives you before you leave. For example, no strip clubs, no strippers to the room, no major gambling to try and help the economy, no strippers, and for Gods sake NO HOOKERS!!!!!. The wife could be such a downer huh?

Yet one of the things I forgot when you travel is how many times a day you must check in with the wife. I mean I understand that there isn't much to do on the road, but do I really need to speak with the wife 10 times a day? I get that we should call and say good morning and good night and sometimes even a quick hello, but 10 times? Isn't that excessive? Sometimes when we speak for the umpteenth time, there is an odd silence on the other end of the phone for a while. Why? Because we just spoke 3 minutes before. I am not saying I don't love my wife but just saying maybe we should start texting instead?

More thoughts to come soon from "The Frustrated Married Guy."

 

Danny Hizami